It's me! I know I don't' have any readers or at least I hope I don't! LOL

I've been really sad about Anthony Boudin (sp) & Kate Spade. I don't know them, I really didn't watch his show, I always put her purses in a cart but never bought it. But I'm sad. Because it could be me. It could easily be me, I could snap over the smallest thing, I mean really the things that my depression thinks are huge are nothing. I keep saying this slogan I read maybe last year 'This is the face of depression.' It was all these people that took pictures right before they killed themselves and they were so happy, so smiley. Depression doesn't care about your smiles. I mean you can smile one second and the next you're cutting your wrist. It's fucked up, it's a silent killer. I pray every day it never gets me, that I'm stronger than it, braver then it, that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I should live, if not for me for my kid, because Jesus loves me? I'm the worst Christian ever but I know he loves me, why else would I survive this long? I mean it's not like anything too bad has ever happened to me. I told my friend today the worst things that really, truly happened to me is that my daddy died and a boyfriend cheated on me in college.

But my daddy died, that one thing seems to define me. I mean parts of me think that if he lived, my life would be so much better. LIke so much better b/c he was perfect and he loved me. It would be better because he would be in it. I'm crying and he died in 1996 and he was like 94. But to me he was perfect.

Perfect and I wish he could've lived forever.

Who cares that the boyfriend cheated on me again in 1996 and then forever until I guess he left me, who cares, fuck him.

Anywho, this is the face of depression, of OCD w Intrusive thoughts, of Bipoloar Phase 2 and I wish I could scream it to the roof but I"m a coward. I try to help people like me, or who could be like me, I try to listen, reach out and say are you okay? but I'm a coward and every day I pray that I"m not Anthony Boudin or Kate Spade, that my kid will never feel the pain of knowing that I was too much in pain to fight, the funny thing is I"m always fighting, I hope I never stop but there is the fear that I will and it all will win and my poor kid will be in therapy and say 'my mom killed herself,' and he'll be fucked up. Because I"m near fucked up and my daddy just died. No, that'll never happen to him b/c I'll fight this thing to the end. Afterall I like to fucking fight!

I just re-discovered my 3x blogs. Why do I have 3x blogs what could I possibly have to say?! Well in the four years since I've been gone a lot has happened. I moved to Texas! (I'm really not that excited about it!) I thought it was a good move or maybe I never did. I thought it would make everyone happy and I wanted everyone happy even if it meant I wasn't but the funny thing is I thought I could be happy anywhere. Turns out I can't, I never really could be happy anywhere to tell the truth. Even in the place where I thought all my dreams were (NY) I wasn't truly happy. Depression follows me around like a lost puppy. Even if I try not to feed it, it lives inside of me waiting for that moment it can sneak in and try to swallow me whole. (geesh! that's totally fucked up!)

Anyway! I don't know if I'm going to broadcast this or if I'll just write my sad crap and let anyone come across it. I don't really think I have followers!

I'll just put this out in the universe!

Hurt!

 

Hurt!

It has been sometime since my last blog post but I feel compelled now to share my feelings…. Until the last few months I had a best friend, I mean an honest to goodness best friend who I really loved. The one person that really knew all my shit. Like knew it and didn’t run. Like I could tell anything too and we would laugh about it. Our relationship was not perfect, it was really far from it since I met her in 1995 because I sat on her bed while I was visiting her then roommate. But some how we became glued at the hip and before long we were part of our own group our own clique with four other girls. But we always had this special bond.

Well through the years we have fought and we scream and she stopped talking to me one year in 97 which she always forgets! But through it all we were friends w/ this unbelievable bond. When my dad died in 1996 she was there for me and when my boyfriend cheated on me for the 600^th time she was there for me calling me stupid but she was there. And when I had one of many small nervous breakdowns she was there. When I was diagnosed with a mental disorder she was there, she was always there until recently where she said she can no longer be my friend that she still loved me and missed me but she needed a break from our dysfunctional friendship. WHO DOES THAT! So now after 15 or so years I am left without my friend. In 2006 she drove to Detroit for my baby shower alone from Kentucky. She always gave me cards for my birthday, my favorite one was about how much we loved Chocolate. I never pretended with her, I never was someone different and I never wanted to be. It was indeed a strange friendship we had ups and downs but I loved her dearly and it hurts a lot to not have her but I will survive. It wasn’t perfect on my part or hers and now its over.

I wish I knew how to let people go. My therapist swears I’m loyal to the end. I’m tired of being loyal it hurts wayyy to freaking much.

Well ex-bff if you read this. I love you dearly and whatever the reason is that you have removed me from your life I hope it is a good one for you and that you have many happy days. I have happy days without you but I know with you they would be oh so much more.

Writing

Years ago I use to say that I wish I was a writer. My then boyfriend would say you're not a writer unless you write. I would get soo mad! I had all these ideas in my head. All these stories and I just couldn't get them out. I could see them and hear them clear as day but how to put pen to paper? Such a hard thing to do. To just put yourself out there and do what your heart desires more than anything. It's the scariest thing to do. It doesn't get any easier when you finally find your courage. But all you have to do is keep writing and one day maybe you will sell something or maybe not but you still will be a writer if only in your heart!