It's me! I know I don't' have any readers or at least I hope I don't! LOL
I've been really sad about Anthony Boudin (sp) & Kate Spade. I don't know them, I really didn't watch his show, I always put her purses in a cart but never bought it. But I'm sad. Because it could be me. It could easily be me, I could snap over the smallest thing, I mean really the things that my depression thinks are huge are nothing. I keep saying this slogan I read maybe last year 'This is the face of depression.' It was all these people that took pictures right before they killed themselves and they were so happy, so smiley. Depression doesn't care about your smiles. I mean you can smile one second and the next you're cutting your wrist. It's fucked up, it's a silent killer. I pray every day it never gets me, that I'm stronger than it, braver then it, that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I should live, if not for me for my kid, because Jesus loves me? I'm the worst Christian ever but I know he loves me, why else would I survive this long? I mean it's not like anything too bad has ever happened to me. I told my friend today the worst things that really, truly happened to me is that my daddy died and a boyfriend cheated on me in college.
But my daddy died, that one thing seems to define me. I mean parts of me think that if he lived, my life would be so much better. LIke so much better b/c he was perfect and he loved me. It would be better because he would be in it. I'm crying and he died in 1996 and he was like 94. But to me he was perfect.
Perfect and I wish he could've lived forever.
Who cares that the boyfriend cheated on me again in 1996 and then forever until I guess he left me, who cares, fuck him.
Anywho, this is the face of depression, of OCD w Intrusive thoughts, of Bipoloar Phase 2 and I wish I could scream it to the roof but I"m a coward. I try to help people like me, or who could be like me, I try to listen, reach out and say are you okay? but I'm a coward and every day I pray that I"m not Anthony Boudin or Kate Spade, that my kid will never feel the pain of knowing that I was too much in pain to fight, the funny thing is I"m always fighting, I hope I never stop but there is the fear that I will and it all will win and my poor kid will be in therapy and say 'my mom killed herself,' and he'll be fucked up. Because I"m near fucked up and my daddy just died. No, that'll never happen to him b/c I'll fight this thing to the end. Afterall I like to fucking fight!
